Resetting the clock

I had two months in my rear-view mirror when I decided to have a drink again.


The Margarita that reset the clock

I was thinking of ending my sobriety for a couple weeks before I actually did. Everyone said that it would only be a matter of time before I was back to square one. I still couldn’t get the idea out of my mind that I just wanted to enhance my situation sometimes.

I felt like a little kid in timeout that wasn’t able to play with the adults.

I wanted to be able to go to a restaurant and order a fancy cocktail. I wanted to have a beer at a concert with everyone else. I wanted to try the seasonal drinks at the local brewery. I even wanted to come home after a hard days work and have a cold one. I guess I just perceive these things as “normal”, since drinking is such a big thing in our society.

So, one night my boyfriend and I went to the Cheesecake Factory and ordered steak and I had a margarita. It ended there.

Well, at least until three nights later, when I had a hard day at work so I decided to have a pint. After all, it was only one pint and it was a seasonal pumpkin flavor that I needed to try.

Two days after that I got two more of the pumpkin pints. I don’t really have any any reasoning for that…other than I really enjoy them!

It’s been really hard for me to decide that I need to stop. So many people have said that it’s only a matter of time before I am back at square one, but I don’t really feel that way or have the desire to stop.

I don’t know where I will be in the the months to come. I do know that I hope to look back and read this reflection with a peaceful heart, a forgiving soul and an open mind.

When enough was enough.

I remember the moment that I decided to quit drinking very clearly. I think deep down I knew that it needed to happen months before this, but I always rationalized that my habits were okay. I would always compare myself to the hardcore alcoholics that drank until they threw up, blacked out, or pissed the sheets. The type of people that would get the shakes if they quit cold turkey. I would say, “See? I’m not like that. I’m fine”.

Except, I was never fine. Sure, I never did any of those things, but I did drink fairly often. Sometimes several nights in a row, or at least half the week. It’s very common for me to buy a 6 pack of IPA and say that it will last me all week and polish it off within one or two nights. I have never, and I mean never, just had one drink and stopped. The only purpose of drinking is to get a buzz for me.

Somewhere along the way, I found it hard to enjoy basic things like going to a restaurant or night on the town if we weren’t going to drink. My boyfriend would have one beer with dinner while I had two margaritas. Most of the time, my drinking took place on my couch with some Netflix after throwing in the towel for the day. I tried not to think about it. It’s not like I can go to work and brag to my coworkers about staying up and drinking until I passed out. Alone.

I finally faced my drinking as I was crawling out of bed around noon on a Wednesday. A day that I would normally be at work, but decided not to go because I didn’t want to feel exhausted all day long from the drinks I had consumed the night before. The crazy thing was, I have been going through some financial stresses. It’s one of the things that led me to drink to begin with, but missing work obviously only puts me in further financial crisis. I said to myself in that moment, what are you doing? This makes NO sense!  I was filled with shame over my choices.

Drinking is glorified by our society, especially if you’re a young person. I told myself that my habits were okay, even when I was chronically depressed, because I was still functional. Then this image really stuck out to me:


Just because something is still functional doesn’t mean it’s not broken.

I decided then and there that it was time for a change. I am tired of waking up with a headache, exhausted and achy. I am tired of rationalizing with myself. I am tired of the money spent. Most of all I am tired of the time wasted.

I don’t know if I would consider myself an “alcoholic”, but I definitely think that alcohol is negatively effecting my life right now. I am not going to focus on labels or long-term commitments right now. Instead, I am going to focus on healing my heart one day at a time.

(Today is my 4th day sober).